“I have so much love in me that I would like to cry;” — Simone de Beauvoir, Diary of a Philosophy Student: Volume 1, 1926–27

Hi, a certain name.

 
I don’t really know how to begin this, so I’ll just start with the secret I have been hiding for the past three years. I’m writing this knowing there may never be a moment in my life where I get to say even a single word to you: no conversation, no accidental meeting, not even a passing greeting. Though we live in the same city, I calculated that the possibility that we become acquaintances is like squaring a circle. And maybe that’s exactly why I feel the need to write this. So that at least, somewhere in this world, these unspoken words exist.

I first heard your name in passing. It was a normal, ordinary, brief introduction. Just a friend mentioning you casually, “I have a friend who I think you’d have a good conversation with,” and then the conversation moved on, like names always do.

But yours didn’t.

It lingered in a way I couldn’t quite explain, as if something inside me recognized it. Your existence was almost like a fantasy I hadn’t realized I was holding. It's like coming across a character in a fictional story and knowing that this is someone you would root for until the very end.

Curiosity led me to learn more about you. I searched your name, pieced together fragments of your thoughts, your perspectives, the way you express yourself, the way you treat people, and the way you carry your presence. And the more I came to know, the more something settled deeper in me: it wasn’t just admiration.

I let myself wonder about our compatibility: the kind that feels like two people could meet in the middle and understand each other without trying too hard. But that thought didn’t stay long. Reality reminded me of something obvious: for someone like you, I am not the only woman who hopes to see that possibility and imagine that version of a story.

So I will remain here, in my small corner of this town, imagining the simplest things. What it would feel like to sit across from you and just talk. What it would feel like to meet in the middle of the Karet Pinisi Bridge, where our days might have already passed each other as our offices are just across. Let me imagine that after a long, tiring day, your calm smile is there waiting for us to come home together.

In my imagination, I can see the glow of the city billboards reflecting softly on your face, your eyes curving into crescents as you smile, as if for a brief moment, the world becomes lighter around you. And in that imagined stillness, we simply exist, side by side. That feels like enough. That's more than enough.

It’s funny, isn’t it?

You don’t know me. Not even a little. And yet, I find myself wanting to tell you stories. About the secrets I wouldn't tell a soul but you. About the quiet battles no one sees. About the mundane, ordinary details of everyday, but promise you I will make it sound interesting. About the things that don’t sound important, but I know you would laugh at. 

And I find myself wondering about yours, too. What did you do today? What makes you laugh without holding back? What occupies your mind on days when everything feels too heavy to carry? What moments in your life have ever brought you to tears? If I ever had the chance, I would want to listen without rushing you, without interrupting, without trying to fix anything. Just to understand you, little by little.

But again, I understand where I should stand. I understand myself well enough that I come with the weight of a heart that has been broken and rebuilt too many times. Meanwhile, you seem like someone who carries light with ease, someone who deserves someone just as bright. Therefore, I am sure you don't want to spend your exciting and joyful life with someone so dull like me*.

I would never want to be the one who dims your light. Let this be a one-sided kind of adoration that doesn’t demand, doesn’t expect, doesn’t even try to reach. Let it exist as a secret between me and Allah. Let you be a name I mention with tears of gratitude as you exist in the same world with this pathetic self.

I wish you all the beauty this world has to offer, every kind of happiness to find you effortlessly, and every kind of peace choosing to stay.

And lastly, as Sapardi once wrote: “Aku mencintaimu, itu sebabnya aku tak akan pernah selesai mendoakan keselamatanmu.” You are loved more than you will ever know**. Bahkan jika pun kau tak akan pernah tahu.

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* Inspired by a letter in the Thai drama "My Cherie Amour". In the letter, the main character wrote, "I'm not sure if you would want to spend your exciting and joyful life with such a boring person like me."

** Inspired by “One of the biggest tragedies in life is that you will always be loved more than you will ever know.”  – Alan Watts

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Image source: Ayşenaz Bilgin via Pexels